Having Honest Tech Talks With People You Love

If you’ve ever found yourself sitting next to someone you love — partner, friend, family — and realised you’re both glued to your phones instead of each other, you’re not alone. I know this because it happens with me and my husband, Michael, all the time.

Michael’s work is mentally demanding. When he comes home, autopiloting on his phone is easy — it doesn’t ask him for the same emotional energy that the rest of his day does. I understand that, truly. I do it too.

But sometimes, I look over and see his chin almost touching his chest, shoulders hunched forward, completely checked out. I notice because I live with a cervical fusion from C5 to C7. Seeing his neck bent like that for so long worries me — not just because of what it does to his posture, but because I know what it’s like to feel the damage later.

So, when it builds up, I stop. I say, “Can I be honest with you, please?” And when he says yes, I tell him gently what I see. I don’t come swinging in with blame — that never works for us. Instead, I explain how that autopilot leaves me feeling. How I crave real connection because I work from home, and when we slip into scrolling, I feel isolated and disconnected all over again.

I also remind him about the physical side — how I worry seeing his neck in that shape for so long. I tell him this as someone who knows exactly what it means to live with neck pain that doesn’t just go away.

The truth is, this isn’t a one-time talk. It’s something we have to revisit again and again. Every six months or so, we realise we’ve slipped back into old habits and have to pause and talk it through again. It’s not perfect, but it’s real.

When we first got together, we didn’t have any self-awareness about how our phones shaped our time together. We’d be sitting side by side, scrolling, half-present but missing pieces of each other. Over the years, we’ve had to relearn — and keep relearning — how to notice when autopilot creeps in. How to say, “Hey, we’re doing it again.”

The biggest thing I’ve learned is that setting boundaries about tech with the people you love isn’t about rules or blame. It’s about compassion and honesty. It’s about caring enough to say, “I miss you. I want your eyes here, not just your thumbs there.” And leading by example — putting your own phone down, too.

So here’s my quiet reminder for you, and for me too: Talk about it. Kindly. Remind each other that the little moments — the real ones — are where love lives. The scrolling can wait. The person beside you shouldn’t have to.

Put it down for a moment. Look up. Ask, “Can I be honest with you?” You might find the conversation you’ve been missing is waiting right there.